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Posted on June 15, 2012 by Hobart Fowlkes

That dude with the iPhone is taking my picture.  Every now and then he looks like he’s playing a game, but the eye of his camera lens keeps pointing straight at me.  Here he goes again.  I’m going to give him my nonchalant, bored-with-life-don’t want to go to school look.  I’ve been told I have a great “look.” I mean one time this guy stopped me on the street and gave me his card, he followed me for a few blocks, but he totally seemed like one of those creeps who is into kiddie porn or something.

My name is Isaiah.  If you couldn’t tell, I am mixed race.  My father is a Sephardic Jew and my mother is half African-American and half French.  Apparently, I have a look that can range anywhere from ghetto-fabulous to Urban Trustafarian Hipster Preppy Chic.  I plan to work it, baby.  I may only be 14, but I know I’m going to be a star.  Oh wait, there goes the dude with the iPhone again.  Let me give him my bored-pout.  There.  I’ll bet that comes out nicely.  Where was I?  Oh yeah, I’m going to be famous.  Remember the movie “Fame?”  I don’t!  Too young, duh.  But whenever I tell people that I am going to audition at New York’s High School of Performing Arts, everybody’s all like:  “Ooooh, just like in Fame!!”  I guess I should watch it on Netflix or something.  So, whatevs, I’m going now for my big audition.  If I get in, I’ll start next September.  I’m not only gorgeous to look at but I have been told that I have an excellent singing voice, I am practically a virtuoso on the violin, I’ve been studying dance since around the time I first learned to walk, and I have been modeling for print ads and acting in TV commercials since I was still in diapers.  Remember the Evian babies?  I’m the one in the front, arms crossed, bobbing my head to the Sugar Hill Gang on rollerblades.  (I did my own stunts)  What?  You think I’m too old?  Honey, they’ve been making those ads in France forever.  The French dig me.  The French always dig Afro-American stars before they make it back home in the U.S.  I think they started with, like, Josephine Baker or something.  It’s a little forced though.  I mean I went to a shoot in France last Summer for some line of swimwear for teens, and all the French photographer dudes and their assistants kept flirting with me and trying to speak to me in some kind of messed up American slang that they thought was some kind of ghetto-fab talk that meant pretty much nothing at all.  But  I was just kinda like, “OK dude, whatever floats your boat.” Ghetto Fab, my brown butt!  I may look a little bit “of color” but the truth is I grew up on Park Avenue.  My Dad is a famous cancer specialist at Sloane Kettering and my Mom is on the board of every charity that will have her help out which is just about every one. She is in Sunday Styles like EVERY weekend, and she’s got New York Social Diarist on speed dial. I have attended most of Manhattan’s most prestigious prep-schools: Dalton, Collegiate, Calhoun… and others.  I was never kicked out,  I was just never happy.  I prefer to call it ennui or melancholia.  Anyway, I want to perform and none of those places are right for me.  That is why next year I plan to go to Performing Arts.  I’ve been told that I’m wise beyond my years (whatever that means).  Oh shit there he goes again with the iPhone.  I’ll tilt my head this way and flash him my innocent doe eyes.  Work it girl!  Life is a stage, n’est-ce pas?  Let me just make sure I have the music for my audition in my bag.  Phew, there it is.  They are going to be blown away by my performance!  I’m accompanying myself on violin while I sing Taste O’ Honey’s 1970’s hit, “Boogie Oogie Oogie.”.  My mom choreographed a pretty awesome dance routine to go with it which should be totes amazing since she herself used to practically live at Studio 54 back in the day.  That’s how she met my dad.  They were both just burning up with the Disco Fever at the time,  and somehow they’re still together after all these years.  I might have been a mistake, but who cares?  Anyway, so I play the violin, sing and dance to a disco classic ALL at the same time!!  I’m beautiful to look at, I have a charming personality, a worldly intellect, and there is just like no way that they aren’t letting me into this school.  The big surprise is (my mother will shoot me when she finds out) my true dream is to be a stand-up comedian.  It’s my life, right?  The world is my oyster, isn’t it?  So, right, here’s my stop!  Gotsta go, yo!  Toodle-Loo sneaky Mr. iPhone man!  Hope you got some goodies!  Hang on to ’em!  Someday they’ll be worth millions!